I appreciate that this is horrifically bad, but thoughts?

Not sure why you think "horrifically bad" but I got the picture. The purpose of telling a story, be it fiction or non, is to communicate a thought or idea. I thought it was very descriptive of the details and created a scenario I could see in my head and almost experience with my senses. You gave enough detail but did not overdue it to the extent of boredom. When people read fiction they want the experience of feeling like they are there. Just keep finding descriptions of detail that triggers the readers senses. Like right now I am thinking of chocolate! I can see it, smell it and taste it though I have not even bought it yet:) Just keep in mind it is easier to make the reader experience something they have actually experienced. When it comes to something less common, pay special attention to the key details to make it come alive. Your little excerpt here scores an A+ in my book!!